I don't know about you, but spring sometimes has a way of getting the best of me. I have just spent the winter months, wearing bulky sweaters and jackets, hiding what I didn't want to acknowledge was there...a few extra pounds. A "muffin top." Now I was doing real good after my surgery, lost almost 20 pounds through the whole ordeal last summer and early fall, but then comes fall...
It is like my body tells me to prepare for hibernation (food wise anyway). All of a sudden my willpower goes out the window with every holiday and party that goes by. And under my sweater is neatly hidden the evidence, until... That first hint of spring weather. I start pulling out cute tops in bright colors and dig out the flip flops and capris. I LOVE ME SOME FLIP FLOPS!!! And then I look in the mirror and my "sunshiny" mood quickly runs away and the tears fall. I LOOK LIKE THAT?!!! REALLY?!!!
Of course if you are also like me, then you feel like you automatically have to do something about it. I go find all my old "diet" books, buy another one to add to the pile and then start my journey to a "new and improved me." Only that usually ends up in frustration and tears as well. As I told my hubby the other night "too much info is not good, it is confusing and just plain leaves me defeated." Plus the fact that none of the books even agree and I am sorry, BUT I don't have time to spend at the gym all hours of the day, like they do on the "Biggest Loser."
And then I realized that maybe dieting isn't for me. I still have some health issues and allergies that keep me from following any diet the way the author wants you to. Maybe that is my problem, I'm going about this all wrong. You see, I do enjoy a veggie or two, love fruit, drink mostly water anyway and lean meat is my favorite, so it sounds like I eat right anyway, right? WRONG. My problem is portion control. Not on the good happy days, for I could go without eating and not even realize it for hours and hours if I'm busy and happy. No, my problem comes when stress comes knocking at my door. Then all of a sudden I want BREAD, CAKE, PIE, CHIPS AND DIP...AND LOTS OF IT. I will eat something salty, then feel like I need to eat something sweet, just to need a little saltiness again. And truthfully, I am not even hungry when I eat them. Sound familiar?
So, I started digging a little deeper. I started wanting to know "WHY?" am I like this. What is it about a slice of bread that makes me so very happy, even if it lasts for only a second? Why is food my crutch? Somewhere along the line, I believe mine started in college, I made "junk food" my answer to feeling better. Although I can look back and know that the stress and insecurities in my life started at a much younger age, in college I was on my own for the first time. For the first time, no one else was dictating what I ate and when. After growing up in Asia, I was back in the States where the junk food was readily available. My own vending machine was down the hall from my dorm room. Growing up "American junk food" was expensive. I remember as a teenager walking down the street to get a soda from the hotel, for we didn't keep them in large quantities in the house. Cheetos were a treat for movie night and going out to eat was saved for Sundays after church. So although the insecurities were there, the food was not available to me. Thankfully.
But then all of a sudden my parents weren't there either, still on the mission field. All of a sudden between late night studying, broken hearts and partying with friends, I would find myself alone. No spiritual guidance. For the first time, I didn't even have to go to church if I didn't want to. I had to do some major evaluating of my own faith and where I stood on my own without my family. I finally rededicated my life to the Lord during college, married the love of my life and we have been in ministry ever since.
By that time, food was my friend. I loved Jesus, but OH how I loved pie too. Fast forward to now. Why it has taken me this long, to want to come to terms with this, I have no idea. Hey, I am "40" now and it took God's people 40 years of wandering...just saying.
No, I have decided to not go on a "diet" this year. I will however be trying to cut back, use portion control and just eat till satisfied. May even put a little exercise in there too. Most importantly I am going to do some more soul searching on this heart of mine and why I have this "void" that feels the need to be to filled constantly. I know in my heart that I need to "fill up" on Jesus and His word. That He is my "portion." Yet, just saying it, doesn't mean we do it. Please pray for me.
Pray for me as I start this new journey in my life. Ministry life seems at times centered around FOOD. We all know how tempting "potluck" night can be! The task before me, will probably be the hardest undertaking, yet I know beyond a shadow of doubt the most rewarding. I may write from time to time what I am learning or even ask for prayer because I am struggling. If you would like to go on this journey with me, that would be awesome too. Let me know, for I would love to pray for you too.
The idea is to get back on track and live life the way God meant for me to, totally craving HIM.
If you are considering going on this journey with me, I found a GREAT resource. God has certainly used this book to open my eyes. It is like this lady read my journal and mixed in my feelings with hers.