Actually, truthfully it is a lesson God has the grace to continually teach me over and over, for unfortunately this imperfect person can't seem to grab on to this special tidbit of truth and run with it. No, God has to hit me over the head with this lesson in big size portions constantly. Some days, it just hurts a little more than others.
Let me start by saying, my biggest downfall in life happens to be my INSECURITIES. Yep! There you have it people. News flash! Mich doesn't have it all together. In fact Mich happens to be one of the most insecure people I know. :) I've mentioned in past posts about my fear of stage fright, my need to be a people pleaser and little bits and pieces about my insecurities, but I don't think I have ever really laid it out on the table for you, or posted it so to speak. There are plenty of them, insecurities that is and they tend to gang up on me when I least expect it.
Easter weekend would be no exception. Now before I go any further, as you can tell by my last post, I had a BEAUTIFUL EASTER weekend. I am one blessed gal and I know it. Believe me I really do! My insecurities lie not with my family and those I love. Proud of each and every one... in fact sometimes I think I probably live too much through them, because I am not brave enough to go out on my own, but then that is another story, too, for another day.
Today's story actually starts the weekend before Easter. In the clothing store... In the dressing room... In front of the mirror... There is a sad, rather depressed woman looking back at me. I leave the store with only a new pair of shoes and a necklace... not a good day for clothes shopping. So, to make myself feel better, I started making excuses to myself... "I'll save money and just wear one of my old Easter outfits this year, it will be fine." I go on my way, all is fine and dandy, I give dressing for Easter not another thought.
Until Saturday night. I decided (and I am glad I did) to go and lay me out something to wear for Easter services. I think this is where I have to be honest, I am not a dress person. Actually, I think all the sundresses and spring dresses are cute, but I don't think they look good on my body type : a little too white, a little too round and a little too short. That being said, I only have about "0" dresses in my closet and maybe "3" skirts. I modeled for my family the skirts. It didn't go over well. I know them too well and could read the facial expressions. I think what it came down to, was that I wasn't comfortable with the outfits, so therefore I didn't look comfortable. Of course I realize that NOW, but while I was trying on and frustrated... there were a few tears, a few phrases like "I feel fat." and a huge hug from the hubby.
I finally looked again at the closet FULL of clothes and went with a pair of dress capri's, a bright tank top, my old faithful white denim jacket (love a good denim jacket!!!) and my NEW pair of shoes (they were heels) and my NEW necklace. Again, I went and modeled for the family. This time I got a thumbs up. However, although my family and I agreed on a suitable outfit, I still had a "moment."
One of those quiet little moments with the Lord, when I just had to ask for the umpteenth time "WHY?" Lord, "why" did you give me skin that refuses to tan? "Why" do I have to have a grandpa slow metabolism that makes it so very hard to shed a much needed pound? "Why" does shopping for clothes and looking presentable have to be so hard for me? "Why" do I care that much?
AH HA! In that quiet moment the truth came bearing it's ugly face once again. I wasn't really worried about having an Easter dress. No, the truth was, I was worried about what people would think about what I was wearing or how I looked. In a weak moment on Saturday night I cared too much about the opinions of others. Way too much. That is when the Lord hugged the stuffing out of me and said "Child, why are you really going to Easter services?"
HELLO!!! Sometimes the truth is hard to hear. The tears of frustration over clothes turned to tears of a humbled heart. Sure, new Easter duds can make the day special... I loved my family all decked out in their new clothes. Yet, if we get so wrapped up in how the outside looks, and forget on dressing and preparing the heart for the celebration, then where does that leave us? I had spent too much time on coloring eggs and buying chocolate, that I had forgotten to prepare my heart along the way.
Easter or Resurrection day is the most beautiful of holidays. It is the celebration of LIFE and not just life here on earth, but life ETERNAL. The truth is, that every day as an imperfect person saved by grace, is a celebration. And everyday, when I let the insecurities run rampant and take over, letting the opinions of others rule, I take away from WHO should be the true ruler of my heart each moment of every day. Whether it is about a Sunday dress or the sting that gossip can leave behind, I need to work everyday at making my focus about pleasing the Lord and everything else will fall into place.
I know that it is easier typing the words than following them... That is why I am so thankful for a Savior who came, died and rose again, just for ME! He loves me to death, INSECURITIES AND ALL!!!
So the next time I have one of those weak female moments, when I look in the mirror and do not like what I see, I need to try to look past the physical imperfections, and look a little deeper, at say maybe the heart? Instead of worrying about a closet full of clothes, I think I might need to focus on a heart full of Christ. That way I can be dressed right for every occasion.
By the time I went to bed Saturday night, I was alright. In fact, I was looking forward to the next day. I was ready to share the Easter story with my kiddos in Sunday School and then worship the Savior. It was going to be a good day.
The next morning, I got up, dressed and ready. I felt good. I even grabbed the camera as I ran out the door, in order to take the "dreaded" Easter pictures... Jordan informs me that my neck is RED. Blotchy red. As in "allergy" attack blotchy red. (HATE POLLEN!!!) I have a weak moment of "what will people think..." and then quickly realized once again what I was doing. After a pause, I shrug and we take pictures. Blotchy red was soon forgotten. I realized that I was being humbled and that I had a choice how I reacted. Lesson learned.
Until the next time, of course...
Hope you are having a beautiful week.
The Easter pictures with the "red" itchy shade of humbleness. Funny, we took pictures after church too and the allergy attack was gone. :)