I do it all the time. It comes from being a people pleaser. I can't stand for ANYONE to be mad at me. The thought of confrontation with anyone but my hubby and kids makes me sick. The only reason I can half way let loose with them is just from years of practice. Well and the fact that I know they will still love me at the end of the day. :)
Anyway, I have had a situation at work that I am not happy about. I'm not mad at anyone. I don't want anyone mad at me. I just am a little frustrated. Actually, scratch that, I AM A LOT FRUSTRATED. However, being the people pleaser that I am, I will never say anything. I don't want to cause more problems. I don't want everyone mad at me. I don't want to be the reason changes are made. When I have my next evaluation, I don't want to be considered NOT a team player. So, I TRY to deal with it the best I can, by trying to ignore it.
Only problem is that without change, the situation doesn't go away. After a while, I can't let it go. It BUILDS and BUILDS and BUILDS until this gal wants to EXPLODE.
Yesterday, I exploded.
It wasn't pretty. Yet, because I refused to tell those around me how I really feel. And due to the fact that I still did not feel totally comfortable letting myself to have the freedom to explode while exploding. I am too much of a people pleaser to even EXPLODE right! So I ended up embarrassing myself.
Totally professional, I know. I couldn't help it. I was fed up with the situation and just needed a moment. However a coworker saw my face and asked me what was wrong. I told her I just needed a moment, but she wouldn't let it go. I didn't want to attack her right there and then, but my emotions were going to come out one way or another. Since I held off from the ranting and raving... I cried.
I quickly excused myself and headed to the closest little girl's room. I was so mad at the whole situation PLUS my tears, that I was shaking. I just wanted to crawl in a corner and call my hubby. However, I did pray.
I prayed the ground would swallow me whole.
I prayed that I had a time machine...
I prayed that I would come down with the flu...wait maybe I didn't go that far, but I do know that I was at a point of almost being willing to do almost anything to leave at that moment.
And then I prayed for strength to get through the rest of the day with a smile and my sanity in check.
God answered the last one. And He continued to grace me with His presence today as I survived another day. (Thank you, Lord.) Things may or may not change due to this outburst. I just am taking one day at a time, praying daily for strength that can only come from my Heavenly Father.
As for the circumstances that started the whole ordeal? I am going to have to work harder at remembering that my JOY comes from the LORD, not my circumstances. I am going to learn how to let things go, instead of letting them heat, until one day I boil over. I am going to have to realize that being a GOD PLEASER is so much more rewarding than just being a regular ol' people pleaser.
So, yes I lost my cool. Yes, I cried. Yes, I even embarrassed myself. But I am thankful that today was a new day, with NO MISTAKES. It was a fresh start. It was a new day to be THANKFUL.
AND I AM.
Has your volcano ever erupted?
Have a blessed day!