Friday, October 22, 2010

My Volcano Erupted...all in the day and life of a working mom.

Have you ever held things in, day after day, until you absolutely think you are going to EXPLODE?

I do it all the time. It comes from being a people pleaser. I can't stand for ANYONE to be mad at me. The thought of confrontation with anyone but my hubby and kids makes me sick. The only reason I can half way let loose with them is just from years of practice. Well and the fact that I know they will still love me at the end of the day. :)

Anyway, I have had a situation at work that I am not happy about. I'm not mad at anyone. I don't want anyone mad at me. I just am a little frustrated. Actually, scratch that, I AM A LOT FRUSTRATED. However, being the people pleaser that I am, I will never say anything. I don't want to cause more problems. I don't want everyone mad at me. I don't want to be the reason changes are made. When I have my next evaluation, I don't want to be considered NOT a team player. So, I TRY to deal with it the best I can, by trying to ignore it.

Only problem is that without change, the situation doesn't go away. After a while, I can't let it go. It BUILDS and BUILDS and BUILDS until this gal wants to EXPLODE.

Yesterday, I exploded.

It wasn't pretty. Yet, because I refused to tell those around me how I really feel. And due to the fact that I still did not feel totally comfortable letting myself to have the freedom to explode while exploding. I am too much of a people pleaser to even EXPLODE right! So I ended up embarrassing myself.

I cried.

Totally professional, I know. I couldn't help it. I was fed up with the situation and just needed a moment. However a coworker saw my face and asked me what was wrong. I told her I just needed a moment, but she wouldn't let it go. I didn't want to attack her right there and then, but my emotions were going to come out one way or another. Since I held off from the ranting and raving... I cried.

I quickly excused myself and headed to the closest little girl's room. I was so mad at the whole situation PLUS my tears, that I was shaking. I just wanted to crawl in a corner and call my hubby. However, I did pray.

I prayed the ground would swallow me whole.
I prayed that I had a time machine...
I prayed that I would come down with the flu...wait maybe I didn't go that far, but I do know that I was at a point of almost being willing to do almost anything to leave at that moment.
And then I prayed for strength to get through the rest of the day with a smile and my sanity in check.

God answered the last one. And He continued to grace me with His presence today as I survived another day. (Thank you, Lord.) Things may or may not change due to this outburst. I just am taking one day at a time, praying daily for strength that can only come from my Heavenly Father.

As for the circumstances that started the whole ordeal? I am going to have to work harder at remembering that my JOY comes from the LORD, not my circumstances. I am going to learn how to let things go, instead of letting them heat, until one day I boil over. I am going to have to realize that being a GOD PLEASER is so much more rewarding than just being a regular ol' people pleaser.

So, yes I lost my cool. Yes, I cried. Yes, I even embarrassed myself. But I am thankful that today was a new day, with NO MISTAKES. It was a fresh start. It was a new day to be THANKFUL.

AND I AM.

Has your volcano ever erupted?

Have a blessed day!

8 comments:

Kerri870 said...

Unfortunately, I have had many volcanoes which have erupted. Thank you for being so honest, Michele! How refreshing to hear.

I, too, am plagued with the people-pleasing disease, and I understand completely your frustrations with it. I really thought I would have quit by my age, but it seems to be hanging on waaaay too long!

If all you did was cry, I think you did a fantastic job of handling it....I've done way worse!

Glad your day today went much better!

Kerri

momstheword said...

I would say that I am not a people pleaser.

I do not tend to be a person who explodes very often either. However, if and when I DO get really mad I will be so frustrated or mad that I will cry.

This is why I generally hope, pray and try not to explode, lol! Because I cannot adequately express my emotions or feelings if I'm bawling my head off.....

It can be healthy for us to get our feelings out sometimes, rather than keeping them all bottled up, of course.

Sharon Sloan - Joy In The Truth said...

Thanks for your honest heart. His mercies are new every day.

Praying for you as you ask the Lord to search your heart. May He lead you to verses about honoring and pleasing Him alone. And the Bible is filled with communicators - speaking the truth in love. There's a great book called "When People Are Big and God Is Little" by Ed Welch -- my friend read this great book about people pleasing (and how it can be sinful). I highly recommend it! :)

Praying you have a refreshing weekend!!!! He is faithful!

Hugs,
Sharon

Sharon Sloan - Joy In The Truth said...

Here's the link for the book:
http://www.amazon.com/When-People-Are-Big-Small/dp/0875526004/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-3446806-1424769?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1191842670&sr=1-1

Or at Christian Book for $9.99:
http://www.christianbook.com/people-small-overcoming-pressure-codependency-fear/edward-welch/9780875526003/pd/26004?item_code=WW&netp_id=164337&event=ESRCN&view=details

Bridget said...

Yes, I have had my volcano erupt. I hate confrontations so badly, but my husband says, "You have no trouble getting onto us" and you put into words exactly why that is.
Hope next week is better!! :D

Kellie said...

Volcano has erupted here. I am a people pleaser, too, and I hate confrontation. However, I had a moment this past week where I confronted someone.. kindly... and it was OK. I was firm but kind. I did not walk away frustrated further because I took care of it. The Lord was with me all the way because I felt a calmness as I did it. Now, don't let it fool you, though, because I walked away feeling ALL shaky. LOL BUT... I survived, the other person survived and we were still smiling and talking with each other as the day wore on. Sometimes confrontation is necessary and very freeing. I pray the Lord will give you the strength to say what needs to be said without feeling like you are losing it all. I totally understand the "team player" stuff, too.

Stacie, A Firefighter's Wife said...

I would have cried too. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. You are doing the right thing by relying on God and His Grace to get you through the day. I think you might be able to relate to my latest post (minus the baby messes part). God gives us a daily portion of grace.

Love you and hang in there!

Stacie

Amber said...

Oy.vey. So sorry, sweetie-sis.

I know those eruptions all too well though. I say we blame mom and dad for making us people pleasers. It's all their fault.

Love you.