Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I may cry as I type and eat pie.

I have really been struggling lately. I know throughout the past months you probably picked up in a post here and there the signals of unhappiness at times. Let me start with, this is not a pity party post. I'm not in a state of depression I can't see my way out of. I have just been dealing with several issues that have left me frustrated on more than one occasion and I've have wanted to ask God, the "WHY" questions a lot.

I was humbled yesterday. Brought to my knees with a face full of pie. There wasn't a crowd to see. Nobody would have to know at all what I was thinking or feeling, unless I mentioned it. BUT I am a firm believer in learning from past mistakes. I believe that my life is a process of striving to be more like my Jesus everyday. Admitting how God has worked in my life, even when it hurts is a must. It brings peace knowing that by putting my "example" out there, it may serve as a reminder for other "pie eating followers," who are also striving for the same thing...

Anyway, here is the bottom line... after eleven years of being able to stay at home, I HAD to go back to work for a term. Unfortunately, the job market when I was looking for a job was scarce. So I found myself at a daycare/preschool. The truth is that I would love to be able to stay at home. I am a homebody. So I wonder if there will ever be a "perfect" job for "moi." The years I stayed home, I took care of kids besides my own, for a while, so I do love working with the babies. My problem is that I think I have lived in a bubble for a long time.

I was use to staying in the shelter of my home and church, never wandering too far. I knew of great problems, dealt with some of my own, yet had a great support system at all times. Bottom line...I HAVE BEEN BLESSED!!! I start work and all of a sudden I enter another world. Gossip, slander, selfishness, anger, words that make me cringe and just burdens like you wouldn't believe, became my reality. The weight of it all, leaves me wiped out on occasion. I pray as I'm going to work every morning that I can be a "light" among the hurting.

However, you and I both know, because I teach it to my kids all the time...you can't be with people without them rubbing off on you just a little. I will hear myself talk sometimes and wonder who is talking. I look myself in the mirror and wonder who it is staring back at me. I've prayed for another line of work, a change. Something with less stress, more pay and a more positive attitude. His answer? Not yet. Yeah, I've been frustrated. "Walking in the light" can be so hard when one is so frustrated... does a frustrated heart even display light?

There has been an individual at work who has been dealt some hard blows. It shows, for anger seeps out of her daily. I cringe every time she talks, waiting for a questionable word to pass her lips... I HATE a potty mouth!!! For months now I have prayed for the situation. If I was going to have to work there for now, "PLEASE, Lord," could it be less stressful?!!! My peace was being interrupted!!!

Well I have an answered prayer to announce: my coworker found Jesus this past weekend! Let us all do the HAPPY dance! God does answer prayers...

But wait. This is where I have to be honest. This is when I have to say "Lord, I failed and I'm sorry." You see, I prayed everyday on my way to work for MY situation to get better. I prayed everyday, that "I" would be able to stay strong until God changes my course. I prayed that He would help ME ME ME...

I never prayed for salvation for my friend. What kind of light was I? As I sit here crying tears in my pie, I have a thankful heart that God loved her so much, He didn't need my help. Yet, I know HE is using this situation to remind me, that HE has a plan, even when I don't know what it is. I may not always be happy with what I am doing, yet I can find His peace in knowing He is walking every step of the way with me. I need to remember that He knows all, understands all and plans all...IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT ME!!!

Hence the humble pie. It is like watching your baby get the best gift ever, but you didn't help find it. It is like your mom putting your name on the card, when you had no part in sending it. It is like... I have extreme joy of my friend's wonderful news, yet I feel the deep burden of knowing I could have been praying, I could have been talking the talk and walking the walk, but I have just been too busy being frustrated.

This past weekend, my fortune cookie held real wisdom for me. I even posted about it. (Go back one post.) The point was that we may not always feel like we are living our dreams, we may not always understand God's timing, but we can find joy where we are at, in every moment.

I will still be dreaming of staying at home. I will still be listening for new opportunities. I will still be praying on my way to work that I can stand strong and shine bright. But, I am going to try harder to change the focus of my prayers. My day to day prayer life needs to be about more than "how to make Mich's life easier." It needs to be about His purpose, His calling, His strength and most importantly, instead of praying He change my circumstances, may He change hearts.

I was wondering, had a taste of pie lately? Are all of us really doing what we are called to do?
Well I know where I am going to start. I have another friend at work that doesn't know my friend, Jesus. Please help me pray...


Pilar said...

Praise God for the salvation of your coworker!!!!!

My husband mention the other day a phrase he heard before "it is in the darkness when our light can shine the brightest". It is hard to step out our comfort zone (believe me, I know, I battle with it too) but it is in the world we find the lost.

Have a wonderful day! MAybe God will use you know to be a testimony and disciple that new believer

Sharon Sloan said...

Thanks for sharing your heart Mich. We all eat humble pie at times. God desires a humble heart. He is gentle and faithful.

Rejoicing in your friend's salvation! It's exciting that you can be there now to gently help her grow in the Lord, getting her in God's Word and fellowship. "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young is a great devotional to start with.

Will be praying for your other co-worker as well. Hope to be reading here on day that she has given her life to Christ, too.

Happy Dancy and Humble Pie,

Andrea said...

Praise GOD for your co-workers salvation and praying for your other co-workers need of salvation.

God has a way of making me eat humble pie regularly. I stumble and fall on a regular basis. Thankfully, HE keeps picking me up, dusting me off, and "using me" for HIS purpose. I stand amazed....

I am confident HE is using you in the lives of those ladies whether your prayers were about "you" or "them." He knew the needs and HE also knew HE could use you.
Blessings, andrea

Gretchen said...

Whether you know it or not, you are salt and light, Mich. Even when you have a bad day. Even when you pray for yourself. He's big enough to hear it all, to love us all, and to bless us all. Praise His Holy Name for the salvation of your coworker. Maybe His timing was so that you could be encouraged, too.

~*Michelle*~ said...

Know that the angels are rejoicing in Heaven celebrating your coworker's salvation......and also know that you are a light, Mich. I know you have planted so many seeds, probably without even knowing it. I know you have blessed me with so much inspiration and truth.

May others continue to see Jesus when they work beside you.....

and believe me,.....I think I had a second helping of that pie alot lately. {{{hugs}}}

He & Me + 3 said...

I hear ya. I can sometimes be selfish in my prayers and wanting it easy for me...I think we all get that way sometimes. But God works even when we are not as cooperative or as selfless as we should be. His work gets done, PTL for her salvation. That is awesome!

Kristin said...

I was just thinking that you never know Mich.....it may have been her being around you and wanting what you have that led her to wonder about what life would be like with Jesus. So, just because you didn't specifically pray for that, your influence most likely helped her make that decision, whether you realize it or not.

And maybe God's plan this whole time was to put you in that job, to lead people to him. I know just knowing you online has positively influenced me, so I can imagine that those you work with feel the same way :)

Heart2Heart said...


God knows the situation you are faced with each day you head off to work. He will move you from that job when your time there is done. Perhaps God is using you to strength you in areas that you may not have been challenged in. Sure it's easy to walk the walk when there are no challenges facing us each day, here is an opportunity to grow in your faith and further help your co-worker grow in hers.

Love and Hugs ~ Kat

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

So much to think about here, Mich. I completely understand your "self-focused" prayers. I find myself praying them a lot. Greater still, I've done some hard soul searching about my motivation behind most of what I do for Jesus. There's not enough love on my part for others... a lot of "what's in it for me" and less about "what's in it for them". I know you know what I mean.

Anyway, just yesterday, I received some devastating news about a 37 year old friend of mine being diagnosed with Leukemia over the weekend. I am, once again, heartbroken at the thought of having another friend have to go through the heartache and pain that comes with such a diagnosis. But you know what, after a quick prayer, I was quickly immersed in the next "big" thing I thought I had to accomplish. Needless to say, it didn't last long.

In fact, in the grand scheme of life, MY "big" thing matters little.

How I pray for a more willing spirit to put the needs of others ahead of mine. All this to say, you're not alone in your struggle. I wish I were further along with this, but I'm not.

But I am working on it...



makeyourhomesing said...

Beautiful post, Mich!

It is so easy for us to think about ourselves, isn't it. To pray for our comfort and for our needs.

Thank you for reminding us that the Lord has a higher purpose. It's not all about us, as you said. It's about Him!

christy rose said...

I completely understand the desire to stay home and not have to venture out into the world to work. I think it is a desire that God puts inside of us mommas. I believe, with all of my heart, that if you continue to trust him with your heart and look to Him to fulfill you even in the midst of undesired circumstances, in the long run, your heart's desire will be granted again.
As I read your post today, I kept thinking that you were in a wilderness period in your life. God is transferring you into a new place in your life and this venture is just on the road to get you there. It could be a glorious time for you as your faith is brought to a deeper level while God remains faithful and provides for you in every way along this path. The promised land is close by and as you continue to trust Him, He will miraculously take care of you in every way and touch people's lives through you. The could be one of the most enriching experiences of your life, if you embrace it instead of push against it. Embracing where you are at does not mean that you are surrendering your desire to stay at home. It is just surrendering your trust to God as He gets you from one place in your life to another. Praise God that your co-worker got saved. I believe that God's plan was for you to experience this awesome miracle along your wilderness path. I can't wait to hear what happens next.


Amber said...

I love you.

I get you more than you know.

Praising Jesus for lives being changed!!! That's awesome!!

E @ Scottsville said...

I know exactly how you feel, Mich. I'm working because I have to and I would soooooo rather be at home full-time. That's awesome that your friend found Jesus. Amen and Amen! =0)

really.truly said...

Well, so much in this post spoke to me. First, He works all things together. Even though you may think that He did not use you in that gals life....He probably did. I've found often that the times we don't notice we are being used, we are....does that make sense?

I'm with you on feeling not so right lately. I've shared it in my blog in hopes that my honesty might help someone else....and I want you to know that your honesty spoke to me!