I have really been struggling lately. I know throughout the past months you probably picked up in a post here and there the signals of unhappiness at times. Let me start with, this is not a pity party post. I'm not in a state of depression I can't see my way out of. I have just been dealing with several issues that have left me frustrated on more than one occasion and I've have wanted to ask God, the "WHY" questions a lot.
I was humbled yesterday. Brought to my knees with a face full of pie. There wasn't a crowd to see. Nobody would have to know at all what I was thinking or feeling, unless I mentioned it. BUT I am a firm believer in learning from past mistakes. I believe that my life is a process of striving to be more like my Jesus everyday. Admitting how God has worked in my life, even when it hurts is a must. It brings peace knowing that by putting my "example" out there, it may serve as a reminder for other "pie eating followers," who are also striving for the same thing...
Anyway, here is the bottom line... after eleven years of being able to stay at home, I HAD to go back to work for a term. Unfortunately, the job market when I was looking for a job was scarce. So I found myself at a daycare/preschool. The truth is that I would love to be able to stay at home. I am a homebody. So I wonder if there will ever be a "perfect" job for "moi." The years I stayed home, I took care of kids besides my own, for a while, so I do love working with the babies. My problem is that I think I have lived in a bubble for a long time.
I was use to staying in the shelter of my home and church, never wandering too far. I knew of great problems, dealt with some of my own, yet had a great support system at all times. Bottom line...I HAVE BEEN BLESSED!!! I start work and all of a sudden I enter another world. Gossip, slander, selfishness, anger, words that make me cringe and just burdens like you wouldn't believe, became my reality. The weight of it all, leaves me wiped out on occasion. I pray as I'm going to work every morning that I can be a "light" among the hurting.
However, you and I both know, because I teach it to my kids all the time...you can't be with people without them rubbing off on you just a little. I will hear myself talk sometimes and wonder who is talking. I look myself in the mirror and wonder who it is staring back at me. I've prayed for another line of work, a change. Something with less stress, more pay and a more positive attitude. His answer? Not yet. Yeah, I've been frustrated. "Walking in the light" can be so hard when one is so frustrated... does a frustrated heart even display light?
There has been an individual at work who has been dealt some hard blows. It shows, for anger seeps out of her daily. I cringe every time she talks, waiting for a questionable word to pass her lips... I HATE a potty mouth!!! For months now I have prayed for the situation. If I was going to have to work there for now, "PLEASE, Lord," could it be less stressful?!!! My peace was being interrupted!!!
Well I have an answered prayer to announce: my coworker found Jesus this past weekend! Let us all do the HAPPY dance! God does answer prayers...
But wait. This is where I have to be honest. This is when I have to say "Lord, I failed and I'm sorry." You see, I prayed everyday on my way to work for MY situation to get better. I prayed everyday, that "I" would be able to stay strong until God changes my course. I prayed that He would help ME ME ME...
I never prayed for salvation for my friend. What kind of light was I? As I sit here crying tears in my pie, I have a thankful heart that God loved her so much, He didn't need my help. Yet, I know HE is using this situation to remind me, that HE has a plan, even when I don't know what it is. I may not always be happy with what I am doing, yet I can find His peace in knowing He is walking every step of the way with me. I need to remember that He knows all, understands all and plans all...IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT ME!!!
Hence the humble pie. It is like watching your baby get the best gift ever, but you didn't help find it. It is like your mom putting your name on the card, when you had no part in sending it. It is like... I have extreme joy of my friend's wonderful news, yet I feel the deep burden of knowing I could have been praying, I could have been talking the talk and walking the walk, but I have just been too busy being frustrated.
This past weekend, my fortune cookie held real wisdom for me. I even posted about it. (Go back one post.) The point was that we may not always feel like we are living our dreams, we may not always understand God's timing, but we can find joy where we are at, in every moment.
I will still be dreaming of staying at home. I will still be listening for new opportunities. I will still be praying on my way to work that I can stand strong and shine bright. But, I am going to try harder to change the focus of my prayers. My day to day prayer life needs to be about more than "how to make Mich's life easier." It needs to be about His purpose, His calling, His strength and most importantly, instead of praying He change my circumstances, may He change hearts.
I was wondering, had a taste of pie lately? Are all of us really doing what we are called to do?
Well I know where I am going to start. I have another friend at work that doesn't know my friend, Jesus. Please help me pray...